Thoughts for today..

So today I missed my first bakeshop class and although I would have preferred to keep my perfect attendance, I think I am better off for taking a day off. I was not tired at all when I needed to be and I could not sleep and woke up feeling very sick to my stomach. After calling my partner I fell back asleep for a little bit - still not as much as i'd like but better than nothing. I woke up feeling a little better, but also a little worse because I had a pounding headache. No doubt this is all from stress but hopefully a day off will help refresh my system.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

I came across this quote today, and to be completely honest this is exactly what I have been struggling with. I have been faced with the aftermath of the accident a lot lately. I talked with Kristie for the first time in a while, and she is very strong but facing way more than she ever should have to. She has been having a lot of appointments to try to fix her hand, is having surgery on her nerves in her arm and scar tissue removed - but the doctor tells her it may never work right again... She also got a shoe life to help her walk (so her legs wouldn't be uneven) but she says she is so used to compensating for it that the lift doesn't necessarily help yet. She says her bolts and screws are too close together causing constant back pain and causing her legs to fall asleep all the time. She still has to go to therapy sometimes five times a week, each session lasting up to 8 hours at a time. She has learned to do pretty much everything one handed with her left hand. And she is still very scared to drive alone and with the weather getting progressively worse it will be hard to coordinate rides to all her appointments. But she is incredibly strong and tries to make the most of everything. She's a true hero in my opinion, because I'd love to think I would have been that strong but truth is I probably would have shut down along the way. Please continue praying for her, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I very much hate crying and I try not to talk about it a lot but it is constantly on my mind. I know it wasn't my fault and I tried to protect both of us the best I could at the time, however the hardest part of all this for me to deal with is that I walked away.  Here is sit months later without a scar on my body, yet without notice her whole life changed in one minute. I don't blame myself anymore and I know she would not want me to feel like this so I am trying to work through it, however my heart breaks for her sometimes. I just want to be there with her, let her know I am always going to be here. Sometimes when I find myself enjoying life here at school, all i can feel is guilt and the pure unfairness. I know everything happens for a reason and God never gives us something we cannot handle...but its just hard sometimes. I never want to forget how grateful I am for the miracle of us both surviving that horrible crash.