"So, I’ve been thinking about this whole being happy thing, and I feel like people get lost when they think of happiness as a destination. We’re always thinking that someday we’ll be happy; we’ll get that car or that job or that person in our lives that will fix everything. But happiness is a mood, and it’s a condition, not a destination. It’s like being tired or hungry, it’s not permanent. It comes and goes, and that’s okay. And I feel like if people thought of it that way, they’d find happiness more often." 
- One Tree Hill - 

thoughts for the day..

I’m turning my life around, this past year has been one of the worst. I’m so appreciative that I am alive, and I will not waste this precious gift of life I have been given. Everyone, don’t hold back. Be who you want to be, smile every chance you get, do not give up, and love those around you.

Things to look forward to in 2011:

1. going home next weekend :) 
2. March 4th - graduating my associates (the pastry/baking part of my degree) 
3. Possible trip to visit family in the south over break? 
4. March 29th - moving into an apartment and starting bachelors
5. July - summer break for three weeks =)
6. September - My 21st birthday! 
7. Trip to Italy for 4-6 weeks!! (SO EXCITED FOR THIS!) 
8. Christmas break =) 

Happy New Years to everyone sorry it has been a while since I have updated this. I have many pictures to come soon from my current class and for the most part I am enjoying plated desserts. Today we had a snow day because we got hit pretty hard with a storm here. CIA has not canceled classes in about 27 years so this was a BIG deal! But i need to prepare for class tomorrow and get a good nights sleep. Overall I'm very excited for what God has in store for me and hopeful that this year will be a much better than 2010!   

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

My Story...

I came across something I would like to share with all of you: 

I could tell disappointment was still holding on between me and God this week, because a friend asked me to pray for him and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, why pray... it doesn't really help. Which I don't really believe, but it showed me my heart was still hurt and under a cloud and I needed to sort things out. I grabbed my journal, went on the porch during lunch, and began to pray/have a conversation with Jesus. It went like this...

Jesus, I love you. Help me with this. Interpret this for me. [It is SO important we ask God to interpret stuff for us.]

You felt hurt by this.

Yes, I was. I really hoped that finally, finally, it would all come together. I thought it was going to be a beautiful climax to a great week. It hurts to feel like you don't care.

You blame me.

Hmmm. Well, yes, I did. I mean, I prayed hard, over something that seems pretty "C" level in the world of prayer, and it doesn't happen.

Go on.

Well, I thought you were in it. I thought I was following your voice.

What is the pain?

Well... it hurts to feel like you don't care, like you aren't even listening. It hurts also to think I wasn't hearing from you.

Every joy is deeply opposed.

Wait. What? It is? Really? Every joy is deeply opposed? [This is when the epiphany begins.] That changes my perspective on everything. I mean, if that's true, then You are doing so much, for all the joy we do receive. And, we are being so naive when we see joy as something that ought to come pretty easily. Like, its not really central to what's going on. Not a major point but kind of a sideshow, so it shouldn't be so hard. [Don't you feel that way about joy? Isn't this how you feel about finding someone or getting a job or just having a good weekend?] But then it is hard, and it doesn't happen, and that raises all sorts of questions, especially about You, God.

Whoa. [I am not sitting back in my chair, talking to myself.] This is huuuuuuge.

Think about it, friends - what are the assumptions you are making about joy, and unanswered prayer, and God's heart towards you? Do you see joy as central to this Story, absolutely central, and therefore deeply opposed in your life - not by God, but by your enemy? Do you see how disappointment, wrongly interpreted, clouds your relationship with God? Lets in a sense of betrayal? Do you see how believing otherwise would change so much of your perspective?

Dear friends, joy is central and joy is opposed.

If your world view does not hold this at its core, you will come to some terrible conclusions about life, and the heart of God and "what He allows," and prayer, and how much you matter to Him, and a host of other things. Ask Jesus.

Well this all sort of hit me like a rock I guess you could say... I have been really struggling with prayer and "joy" for a while. I was raised to pray for everything, whether as a request or as a praise. And as much as I'd like to say I have truly prayed for others lately.. the truth is I haven't. At least not whole heartedly that is. This year has shook my life quite a bit and a lot of change has occurred. I cannot believe it is December already, a year ago right now I was moving into my apartment at Turning Stone and preparing for an 18 week Externship. Which never really was the experience I expected or wanted but sometimes you gotta make the most out of what's on your plate at that time.

I worked all day and then was alone on New Years. So it was finally 2010 a new year that I had pretty high hopes for, but man was I in for a reality check along the way. My year in fact started out not the best, and I lost one of my best friends because of another girl. It was a large misunderstanding on the other end but I was over fighting as a friend so as much as it hurt, I gave up on the fight. I then began burying myself in my work to avoid the reality that I had lost yet another person in my life. The 18 weeks at Turning Stone turned into about 25, and instead of returning to school on time I chose to save up some money and take a trip to North Carolina to visit my Brother. This was a great vacation and of coarse I didn't want to leave when the time came. It is always nice to just get away from LIFE for a little bit, lay on the beach and just leave all your worries in the ocean. That's how I felt at the time - I just wanted a break from everything. After coming back home I started to work for a few weeks as I was getting ready to head back to school in June. Once again this plan changed...

On June 10th 2010 I was faced with the scariest moment of my life. There I was enjoying a night out with my best friend from Tom Wahl's, with no idea that everything was about to change. I remember driving on 31 and seeing headlights coming towards my car.. and the next thing I knew I was trapped. Glass everywhere, airbags had gone off.. I had no idea what had happened or what was going on. I remember looking over and screaming because Kristie was not talking or responding at all. I unbuckled my seat belt and as I was screaming for help, I tried pushing at my car which was laying on top of her. I felt scared and helpless and in more pain than my body knew how to respond to. I completely shut it out because at that point I cared about nothing but saving her life. I looked ahead and I saw a car on fire, and all these people around. Why was no one helping us? I was numb to the pain and all I wanted was to get out. My door was stuck and I felt so trapped. As I kept screaming for help I finally heard Kristie responding, and she was screaming in pain. Unlike me she was truly trapped. A couple came over and pried open my door to get me out, but I no longer cared about getting out, my focus was on keeping her breathing and trying to help however I could. 

My phone was nowhere to be found, I was shaking in fear and all I could think of was to call someone. I made three phone calls that night. My Mom, a very good friend Kevin, and finally my Dad. It was a strange number and it was late at night so my mom didn't answer, then after what felt like a hundred rings Kevin picked up and all I said was I was in an accident with Kristie please come. The third phone call was to Dad, all I remember saying was I was in an accident on 31 and it’s not my fault (because I had previous ditch experiences that we sort of my fault). I got back into the car to see how she was and finally a trooper showed up and pulled me aside with a group of men to help Kristie. As the trooper began asking me questions, Kevin arrived. He hugged me so tight and was there by my side when I needed him most, and he helped answer questions that I couldn't (about addresses and such). Then my daddy showed up, and he was more scared and shaking than I had ever seen him. As I tried returning to the car I was pushed away and taken aside by the paramedics. I didn't want to leave and as much pain as I knew I was in, "I was fine" and stubborn in the moment I refused to be mercy flighted. However as I looked over at my Dad he said I had to go. My fight ended as soon as they put a neck brace on me. I was then forced onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. 

The ride seemed to last forever, I felt so alone and scared. The only person that was there was a female paramedic who hooked me up to tubes and tried to calm me down as I was hysterical and shaking. She asked about where I felt pain.. this was the first time I actually realized and admitted I in fact was hurting. I stuttered out “I think my legs hurt, and my face..my chin hurts A LOT!”  She removed my shoes, and cut down the sides of my pants revealing my very sore, but not yet fully bruised legs. I was covered in glass from head to toe and the airbag had hit my face head on, so along with the glass I had lacerations on my chin and nose. There wasn’t much the lady could help with except trying to brush off some of the glass for me. By the time I arrived at strong, everyone was already there waiting. All I wanted to know is how Kristie was and if she was okay, I remember saying over and over “she has to get married on the 17^th. She has to be okay, she has to get married.” To sum up the next part a little, I cried a lot, I refused medications and after hours of questioning and examination I had to wait even longer because I was unable to pee in a pan lying down. Once I finally convinced someone to slightly elevate the bed so it felt like I was standing I was able to pee and shortly after I was taken for x-rays. This was by far the worst part of the whole hospital experience. The lady who did x-rays didn’t seem like she even wanted to be there and was not at all sympathetic or gentle with me. I was in more pain than even I could tolerate. After this was finished I was placed alone in a dark room until someone could come and get me. I was beyond scared and I don’t think I stopped crying for more than a minute the entire night. What was probably only about 10 minutes felt like a lifetime to me in that room, I pushed my call button and the nurse that came to my call assured me someone was coming and only to push that if I really needed something, and left me alone again. Well as far as I was concerned I DID need something, I needed someone to be there with me. HELLO you don’t leave a girl alone in a dark room when she’s scared out of her mind. Finally I was moved back to my room where I finally convinced them to remove my neck brace and allow me to sit up. I didn’t want to be there and this was my way out. Nothing came back broken and as far as I was concerned I was good to go. As I tried to sit up the pain was incredible, but I knew if I spoke up I wouldn’t be able to be released so I’ll admit I lied to just about everyone about my pain level.

One last test and I thought I was okay to go. The dreaded eye exam to make sure I didn’t have glass in my eyes… my chin was very sore and so this part was hard to get close enough to the device the doctor was using. This was the point that I did not plan for, I got very pale and felt like I was going to either pass out or throw up. This is when I finally broke down and agreed to take some pain medication, hoping that it would just get me out of there. Another hour went by and I tried sitting up again, more glass was washed off my face and back and I finished my tests. I wanted to prove I was “fine” enough to leave and I stubbornly refused to wear socks or anything except the heels that I wore earlier that night. Yes I now admit that this was the stupidest decision ever, however at the time I didn’t care. It was a very long night and I had finally hit the point where I practically had no more tears left to cry. Although I was in incredible amounts of pain, I felt numb from head to toe. I stared out the window the whole way home, everything from that night just kept replaying in my head (as it continued to for weeks after that night).

By the time I got home it was early morning and I barely got any sleep, due to the excessive amount of pain I was in, and the pure shock of what I had just experienced. My body and hair was still covered in little shards of glass and I had gone to numb enough to walk in heels, to not being able to function by myself. The next part I remember was trying to shower.. My mom and aunt had to help me because not only could I not stand up right, my body was still in shock and very sore in places I never imagined. As the tears kept rolling down my face, they gently washed off as much glass as they could (for as long as I’d let them). The next week and half was probably the hardest for me. I couldn’t get clear updates on Kristie, I couldn’t walk, get dressed or even get into bed without help. I just wanted to scream all the time and not crying was no longer an option in life. I showed every emotion and although I would try to do things on my own, I agreed to ask for help. Finally I found out that Kristie was on a breathing machine and that she had broken her wrist, ankle, hip, pelvic bone, and had a severely fractured arm.

I was lost and numb again, I couldn’t believe this had all really happened and all I wanted was to see her, to know that she was okay. For a long time I blamed myself, no matter how much people told me it wasn’t my fault and that if anything my reaction saved both of our lives… I didn’t care. I was sad and very angry. First I was angry at myself, then I was angry at the careless man who hit me, then I was even angry at God for letting this all happen. I didn’t understand it, how something so terrible could happen to people who didn’t deserve it. I now realize that no matter how angry I was or have been since; the guy didn’t deserve it either. We all make bad decisions sometimes, and no matter how much pain and destruction those bad choices made… he deserves forgiveness. THIS IS A VERY HARD THING FOR ME TO SAY. But I finally believe it.  

Needless to say I didn’t return to school in June and had to wait until August. This has caused its difficulties and challenges but I was able to heal (physically that is) over this period of time. When I left for school it seemed harder than the first time. Perhaps it was because I was no longer super excited to leave home, and quite frankly I still shook up from everything that happened and was terrified to leave. I felt guilty leaving Kristie and everyone I loved, but I had to go back. Now that I am halfway through this school year I am of coarse glad I returned, however it doesn’t make certain circumstances any easier really. I still face the days where all I can do is cry and wish that I could go back in time and make different decisions that wouldn’t lead up to that outcome. But it’s inevitable and no matter how hard we try we can’t change the past.

All this to say… Somewhere along the way I’ll admit I gave up on prayer. I didn’t understand how any of this was fair, or right in any sense of the word. I was angry for a very long time and right now I am still fully working through all these emotions. For the longest time I had been looking for the silver edging to this tragic story. And no matter how hard I fought it, I was running further in the opposite direction. Nothing was getting better, I felt lost and confused and hurt and betrayed. If anything things got worse (including a few relationships with people I cared about), because I was not only running from my feelings. I was running from God. No matter how much I tried to sit and pray, I could feel the difference. This prayer was different and I wasn’t really talking to God, although I’m positive he was listening I was just trying to get what I wanted by “praying.” I would ask for little things like please help me do well on a test, or help me to be strong today. But even I knew this wasn’t real. I would like to say I have come a long way; however I know I still have a very long way to go. So pray for me as I will try to pray for all of you. 

Thoughts for today..

So today I missed my first bakeshop class and although I would have preferred to keep my perfect attendance, I think I am better off for taking a day off. I was not tired at all when I needed to be and I could not sleep and woke up feeling very sick to my stomach. After calling my partner I fell back asleep for a little bit - still not as much as i'd like but better than nothing. I woke up feeling a little better, but also a little worse because I had a pounding headache. No doubt this is all from stress but hopefully a day off will help refresh my system.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

I came across this quote today, and to be completely honest this is exactly what I have been struggling with. I have been faced with the aftermath of the accident a lot lately. I talked with Kristie for the first time in a while, and she is very strong but facing way more than she ever should have to. She has been having a lot of appointments to try to fix her hand, is having surgery on her nerves in her arm and scar tissue removed - but the doctor tells her it may never work right again... She also got a shoe life to help her walk (so her legs wouldn't be uneven) but she says she is so used to compensating for it that the lift doesn't necessarily help yet. She says her bolts and screws are too close together causing constant back pain and causing her legs to fall asleep all the time. She still has to go to therapy sometimes five times a week, each session lasting up to 8 hours at a time. She has learned to do pretty much everything one handed with her left hand. And she is still very scared to drive alone and with the weather getting progressively worse it will be hard to coordinate rides to all her appointments. But she is incredibly strong and tries to make the most of everything. She's a true hero in my opinion, because I'd love to think I would have been that strong but truth is I probably would have shut down along the way. Please continue praying for her, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

I very much hate crying and I try not to talk about it a lot but it is constantly on my mind. I know it wasn't my fault and I tried to protect both of us the best I could at the time, however the hardest part of all this for me to deal with is that I walked away.  Here is sit months later without a scar on my body, yet without notice her whole life changed in one minute. I don't blame myself anymore and I know she would not want me to feel like this so I am trying to work through it, however my heart breaks for her sometimes. I just want to be there with her, let her know I am always going to be here. Sometimes when I find myself enjoying life here at school, all i can feel is guilt and the pure unfairness. I know everything happens for a reason and God never gives us something we cannot handle...but its just hard sometimes. I never want to forget how grateful I am for the miracle of us both surviving that horrible crash.

Tuesday..

So once again I find myself sitting here with class at 5:30 am and not able to sleep! But at least tonight I feel a lot more okay with it for some reason. There is only three more days of this class, and believe me I CANNOT wait for it to be over! I enjoy making bread but not in this group. The next class will be a lot more individual work and I am very ready for that change of pace! It was amazing to go home for thanksgiving and great to see all the family who could come to Grandmas =) Coming home is always a great way to relax after a stressful week of classes and studying. Senique and Hope enjoyed meeting the family and said everything was delicious! We also got to see our first snow of the year (less than an inch but still was very exciting!) This weather is crazy, I cannot believe its practically December 1st and it hasn't snowed once here at school! Well I had planned to write a lot more but time has gone quickly and I should be getting ready to sleep =(

love and prayers to all <3

a little thing called procrastination..

Yay! It is already tuesday and tomorrow I get to go home for Thanksgiving :) So today class was slightly frustrating because my partner didn't show up and I was left alone on oven team (which is the worst station to run alone) I had some help from the chef and from a student worker that came to help. Overall it wasn't a bad day though, its just very difficult working in this group sometimes because I feel like they are less motivated and don't have strong teamwork skills. I generally get along with all my classmates, just wish that some were more professional in the bakeshops. Its very hard to believe my old group is graduating in less than two weeks! I miss working with all of them, however still get to see most of them frequently. This is my last weekend with two of my best friends here at CIA. They are coming home with me for thanksgiving because they are from further away. Senique is from the Virgin Islands, and Hope is from Detroit, Michigan. I am excited for them to meet my family and see my hometown again! 

On a positive note we were able to finish class early and leave around 12 instead of 1:30. Chef was also not there today so we took a 20 minute lunch break and didn't have lecture either. No nap time for today because I have my costing practical at 3:00. I studied a fair amount and reviewed the material I learned about 12 weeks ago and feel pretty confident going into this test. I also took it upon myself to shower and do my hair so I can wear business casual instead of my whites (which are covered in flour from baking today). Its a personal preference but I feel more comfortable and confident taking a test or doing a presentation when I feel good about myself or as I like to say "everything seems better when you feel cute" :) Well thats all for today cant wait to see most of you very soon! love you all <3